Unproductive

I keep wondering. I don't know what happen to myself recently.

I lost my spirit to study.

I just do my assignments, reports, and thats it.

I only open my notes "when in needed".

omg..what happen to me? what happen to you myself??

argggh.. I'm soooooo stress for this kind of situation.

Everyday is unproductive days for me.

Damn. I lost it. My spirit has been kidnapped. It run away from me. Since when? come back. please come backk. iiihhh! -__-

When the hope is gone, I know I still can carry on

I can see myself through this video.

And I know, I'm gonna have exactly the same moments as what the women in this video going thru. :'(

"You won't gonna be there for my graduation, my engagement, and my wedding. I want you to be my escort during my wedding day, the one who will walk me down the aisle. But... God has taken you away before all the special days happen."  

I just miss you very much, dad :')

Weird thoughts.

I found the picture above somewhere in Facebook. The people inside the picture were the pure Sabahan long time ago. I mean, thats the "original" Sabahan looks like.

And suddenly I feel like curious.. curious about where actually the Sabah people come from.

My curiosity  more specific to the Dusun people (which is one of the ethnics in Sabah. I'm Dusun too).

I've done my "extra-mini research" just now. *Thank you Mr. Google*

But all the information still cannot satisfy me. I'm still curious.

So I asked my friend's opinion about these and tell about my curiosity.

"Ba bagus ko ambil sejarah la ni.. buat master ka", my friend said.

And then I was like.. ya la. I'm Biotech student (which is obviously out of my field) But, why not kan? :D
I reeeally wanna know about the origin of Dusun people. Even though I had read the theory about "come from Mongolia", but there are another theories too. A LOT of theories. -_-

I just want to know the real one. Even though its hard to find the truth. I mean, really HARD.

But why not if I try it someday, stay with my Grandpa & Grandma in the village, ask them what they know, interview the oldest people in that village, read a lot, go to the related historical place..hmm

If this passion last longer in future, I think I'm so gonna take Master for this (as suggested by my friend).

If only I own a time machine, I might found the answer now. phiew~

I ran out from my room, lied to my room mates, "I'm going to my friend's room".

Searching for some dark, cold place, which I think that will be the most peaceful place for me to be alone.

Found it.  I looked up to the sky, I see no stars, or either moon.

The pain still there, even after I sit alone there for almost half an hour.

Preventing myself from thinking too much, I called my mom.

That was the best "medicine" ever. Feel no pain till I drop the call.

Catching air as much as I could, but the pain won't go anywhere.

.....the most painful day ever. :')

Fix. Not throw it away.

Simple yet have a very deepest meaning.

I wish someday "My life looks like the picture above".

Marrying a guy that will never leave me, grow old together, faithful and yes, most importantly "if something is broken, we fix it, not throw it away".

However, I know it is not that simple.
The scariest thing that I could ever imagine is that, what if someday after I get married, the love suddenly fade away and finally disappear? (No matter if HE or SHE that fade away of feeling)
Oh God, I hope not. Marriage should be SACRED and STRONG. "What God has joined, men must not divide". Ever heard about that?
But why some married couples tend to divorce only because of the smallest issue?

And why suddenly I wrote about the marriage thingy? @.@
I still have a long journey to go and dreams to be fulfill before I become someone's wife.

But, for the "chosen" one someday in future (a.k.a future soul mate);

Please always make me believe that you will stay with me forever. Although I knew that forever could be severed by. Nothing last forever. But at least we live like there is "forever" :)

And lastly, I hope we will mean it when we say;

" I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health.

I will love you and honor you ALL THE DAYS OF MY LIFE"

If you never let go the past, you won't gonna make it in future

Everything was going fine until I accidentally came across something I didn't want to found out.

Something I better off not knowing.

But I constantly dig it out over and over again.

And you know, the feeling is suck when you already know the truth, but you never have the guts to ask. 

It might be because you scared that the answer will be the one that crossed on your mind. 

But the only thing that can make me feel better is keep thinking that God had written the story.

:'(